Self Defined Healthy Relationships
You know that soul throbbing pain of feeling dejected, carelessly not considered, and alone? I’m here to remind you that often the biggest hurts and challenges in our lives come with them the biggest opportunity to be there for others in ways that other’s were unable to be there for us.
Sometimes people hurt us in ways that they themselves had normalized for them BUT regardless of someone else’s actions we each have the self authority on how we react. No one else’s behaviours are the reason we do anything and if we continue to use blame as a reason to perpetuate hurt onto others, we cycle into a behaviour of treating those we care for in ways that undermine our relationships. Our actions demonstrate to others the ways we would like to be treated. Ultimately, we have no effect on how other people choose to treat us. We do have a choice in our own actions and the proximity to which we allow other people in our lives. Our actions influence others by providing the demonstrations of what care and kindness look like.
This is why WHO we choose to be close to is so vital. They mirror to us daily what it means to care for someone. When we surround ourselves with people who prioritize their time to reflect on their relationships and be considerate of their loved ones it brings with it a sense of connection. You are allowed to be selective of those in your close circle.
Community and relationships are vital — and to be able to converse and communicate with people from all backgrounds enriches anyone who opens themselves up that way BUT your ability to talk with people with different values does not mean you need to disregard discernment on who genuinely deserves your priority. If we treated everyone as we do our lover. We wouldn’t have a love.
You can spend hours and hours trying to rationalize and figure out another person. There is sometimes going to be people that are irrational or whom may just not prioritize or value a relationship (with you or relationships in general). We can ask questions like: why do they act the way they do? Are they acting this way because they were hurt? Is there a way I can be of service to this person to restore relationship? And while with the right people, this is a beautiful trait and has the ability to invite in deeper connection… If these questions aren’t reciprocated, it simply leads one to devalue their own perspectives. If you find yourself in a relationship continually asking questions, or being the one primarily listening to the other talk this may be a sign of a one sided relationship.
Listening and allowing another human to just be themselves is so valuable. At the same time, it’s important to remember that each human longs to feel seen and heard. I have grown to know that listening and seeing others is valuable in and of itself. At the same time, if a person is continually making room to understand others and that understanding is not in reciprocation it creates a very disproportional relationship.
Of course, there are going to be circumstances in life, where a friend requires more support. Or perhaps, there are some people that you care for that you know incapable of reciprocal relationship (not because they don’t want to but because of a lack of internal resources, capacity, or just simply don’t know how). You get to discern what is acceptable to you in the agreements you have in your relationships. This is simply a reminder that your actions can impact others AND simultaneously you too deserve to feel seen and heard.
I’m curious, when you reflect on your relationships. Do you have some that stand out as feeling balanced? Or perhaps others that feel disproportionally one sided? Perhaps you could list them.
There are so many ways to be in this world and what a beautiful thing! Relationship, is complex and dynamic. Healthy relationship is something I’ve been trying to learn and search for— what is it? Can it be universally defined? What are the rules? What are the agreements? Are there any? What are the parameters and how does one BE someone who is in a healthy relationship with joy, sorrow, laughter and conflict?
One thing, I have found immensely helpful is deciding for myself some clear indications of what it is that I value that puts relationships into:
Top priority
Middle category
Immensely loved but can’t share limited time with
Blazing flashing red traffic lights
After doing this practise of naming what values and traits constitute each “level” of friendship, I was so amazed at how it gave me a deeper appreciation for the specific gifts of each relationship. I realized no person is perfect but there are people I was undervaluing because I held onto a misconception that one of their “unfavourable traits” were hurtful when in reality in a lot of cases when I took time to reflect, their “unfavourable traits” in a larger context wasn’t one of my top values. It put into perspective those that required most of my appreciation and allowed me the awareness to act accordingly.
I’m curious, can you name what are your top values for relationship? And if not, how about putting on a cup of tea and naming three things you search for and three things that indicate misaligned values.
Which relationships have you chosen to prioritize? Perhaps even tiering some of your relationships and constituting what that means in regards to time commitments, activities, vulnerability, trust, and shared values. Making these decisions conscious and giving them genuine time to be considered so that you can have an added perspective of who you choose to prioritize and why.